When 2016 rolled over, the first thing that came to my mind was – this is the year I will be 40. The thought of being four decades ‘old’ didn’t actually bother me. But then the annual birthday blues hit me again. Around this time of the year, I just want to curl up in a ball and toss obscenities at the world.

I know why it happens and yet I fall for it year after year after year. There’s one big, nasty word that has everything to do with why birthdays end up being exactly the opposite of what we think they should be: expectations. When another year rolls in and our expectations aren’t met, we end up with feelings of disappointment, depression, and sadness. 

I woke up at 1 am this morning, no scratch that, I was half asleep, half awake at that time of the night envious to the snores of my children sleeping at my sides. I checked the news (I know I should kick the habit of sleeping with my phone!) and found out another massive quake hit Japan with imminent tsunami at the same Tohoku region devastated by earthquake and tsunami combo in 2011.

Suddenly, I felt small and mostly selfish with my birthday blues. Here I was, alive, safe and have everything I need but choosing to sulk.

I got up and grabbed my Moleskine note to write a few things I am glad I did/grateful that I did before I turned 40. Here they are:

1. Started and maintained a diary in my teens

I’ve always been the one who can better express in writing than talking so I started to write/document the goings on of my life since I was probably 12 or 13. It’s old school blogging and I am glad I did that because it’s always a joy to read my old diaries now that I’m 40.

And writing was therapy for me at that time, always been.

Diary writing is actually one of the habits I am very keen for my daughter to take on because it don’t only develop writing skills but a great thing to look back on.

2. Studied, lived and worked abroad in my twenties

I am grateful to be given the chance to study abroad (on a scholarship program) to Japan when I was 19. The diploma isn’t the only thing I got out of my four and a half years in the university – I gained resilience, self confidence and courage (to battle homesickness and the challenging academics at the same time). I also had the opportunity to discover a lot about myself while gaining an understanding of a different culture.

Back home, it could be easy to get stuck in the bubble of my own experience, but studying abroad taught me that there’s so much more out there.

3. Got married and had kids

I put an end to bad dates before I turned 30 25.

Research suggests you’re more likely to marry a true peer and someone whom you have lots in common with if you marry in your 20’s as opposed to later. It makes sense. Couples who get married in their 20’s often meet in college, a time in your life when you’re surrounded by people who are of similar age and background and have similar interests. It’s easier to find someone who’s the yin to your yang in the classes, clubs, and extra curriculars you’re interested in, than it is to sort, or swipe through a random assortment of prospects online.

The husband and I met at the university in Japan and got married 3 years after graduation.

I had my first baby at 27 so now at 40, I have a teenager as my able travel travel buddy and whom I can talk and confide to like a friend and laugh with my silly jokes! On the other hand, my second child was born when I was 35 so feel I am still a ‘young mom’ and when he is 10 and big enough he could be my new travel buddy when the older one is off to college far away.

4. Travelled as much as I can (even if alone)

I went to places within Japan (only because I faced visa related challenges with my previous passport) – took railway short trips, climbed mountains, explored onsens (hot baths on natural springs) sometimes with a group of friends or if they are not available, alone.

Yep, alone, even when I was in a relationship.

In the words of Henry David Thoreau, “The man who goes alone can start today but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.”

I was never uncomfortable with going solo (introvert alert!).

Except for trips home to see my parents to show the baby, travel for me took a back seat for a while. However, I picked up what I left off by travelling alone again when Pristine was 8 to Thailand for a blogging gig (!), when Benjamin was 2 to Turkey (another blogging gig!) and last year when I went off to Austria, just because.

5. Took care of my health

Although still a little frumpy than I would like, I am still glad I didn’t take my health for granted when I was younger.

I’ve always been active, conscious about food and adapt a healthier lifestyle because I have my parents as fitspirations. My father late into his 60’s still plays tennis 6x a week and do not have prescription meds to sustain him. My mom is super strict with her diet and can say no effortlessly to carbs and sugar, something I am still working on! They look and feel so much younger than their real ages.

While I had health setbacks earlier this year with a mild herniated disc from doing too much weights and plantar fasciitis (so much better now, thank God!), right now, I am happy to report that all my blood work are excellent and everything is normal – blood pressure, sugar, cholesterol, etc.

And today I woke up, I am not in pain and that is ENOUGH. Health is wealth. As long as I wake up painless and can carry myself, I feel I can do anything.

BONUS tip: Take care of your skin too even if you’re still tight and plump and perky in your twenties. Never sleep with makeup on, exfoliate, hydrate and moisturise regularly so you could thank yourself when you look at the mirror the morning you turn 40 🙂

I felt better writing these five things. Now, where’s that cake?

One rainy day in 1996, my father came home with an unusual glow in his face. He looked like he wanted to tell me something but couldn’t. It’s the first time he’d acted like that and it felt weird. He is usually pretty chatty about everything and would exaggerate stories with elaborate hand gestures and facial expressions that never fail to entertain. However, when he came in the door that day, he looked at me and handed me…a letter.

(With a daughter who’s addicted to all things Harry Potter, I am tempted to say “Hogwart’s Letter – though it almost had the same effect.)

A few weeks earlier, I took a qualifying scholarship exam to study in Japan. And that letter was all about it.

I passed the exam and would be leaving home and my father could not contain his excitement and afraid to miss all the right words if he’d speak it so he wrote it down instead.This was 1996 when we didn’t have cellphones to send text messages or internet for Facebook messages. It was the good old handwritten letters period in time.

So a couple of days back, I turned 38. Yeah, whatever. It’s another birthday but turning 38 wasn’t just “another birthday” this time. I was 19 when I left home so that meant half of my life have been spent living abroad. It has been 19 years since I got my father’s letter.

(Left is the photo when I first got my passport at 19, the right is double my age at 38)

How does it feel turning 38?

When I was 13, I looked at my mother who turned 38 and just had her sixth baby and thought, “how am I going to handle being 38? I could not possibly do it better than her!” I admit I was scared of aging because it meant more responsibilities, more children! Funny because at that time, I thought the number of children was genetic – if my mom had six, I would probably have six too or around that big number. It was a crazy thought but nevertheless it felt so true that time!

Yes, there are more responsibilities now but thankfully, lesser than six children (I only have two, that is all I can manage!).The morning I turned 38, I didn’t think of the party I’d be doing (because I don’t like parties so there’s no party) I got up and stood on my own two feet and realized my world is full of possibilities. I have a healthy family, a safe and cozy home and dreams to pursue. I have the luxury to think about the things I want to do, not just the things I have to do.I love where I am in my life right now. The past year had been so good I wonder what I did to deserve it.

But the very best part is that all of this wonder is only part of my unfolding story. Because, I’m only 38.

Original post below on the morning of my birthday, before I encountered server issues that did not allow me to post at all, and temporarily, wiped off my blog from the internet.

My husband got off from work early so we can have dinner out, with the kids (yes, including the baby). I even got little trinkets of surprises, a bookmark and a key holder, the little things I need. He knows those little things.

*****

It could be that I am re-reading that Stephen Covey book. It could be that I lack sleep due to a sick baby who don’t wan to lie down and prefer my arms and the rocking chair instead of the bed. This could also be because of too much work load lately. Or the fact that I have passed the mid-30’s and I am nearer to 40 now.

Or maybe even an early mid-life crisis?

It’s my birthday today and I am sort of on the low side of my moods. I don’t have anything planned. In fact, I am at work and after this, I’ll be taking the train home, meet the clingy baby that almost always object that I sit down for dinner, check the other kid’s homework and ready both for bed.

What does “many returns of the day” even mean? I’ve been greeted that by people I know who know that it is my birthday. I told a friend that my husband will probably come late from work, like 10pm. And she said, “So? After that you’ll go have dinner? You’ll go to the mall?”

Tsk, tsk, tsk very invalid questions not applicable for me.

It’s Friday tomorrow and it’s our “weekend” here. Still I don’t have anything planned. Maybe some of my cousins will come and we’ll cook something and just lounge the house playing lazy-day. When did I ever stop celebrating my birthday? Funny, I used to love blowing birthday candles.

And from among the greeting I got, one stood out from my friend Rose that says,

I pray that despite wanting to grow more in many areas, you are happy and contented.

I didn’t need to take a moment to say that yes, I am happy. I am contented. See? Why wouldn’t I be?

I’m just really going through this awful phase of the birthday blues. And yes, the three consecutive sleepless nights have taken its toll. Oh and I also got a very heartwarming birthday message from my sister- something that I did not expect. Let’s just say she made me cry in a most wonderful kind of way.