The year end blues

happy new year 2016

In some parts of the world, it’s 2016 already. In a few hours, Dubai will say goodbye to 2015. I’m still stuck in the office. I’ve cleaned up my desk and done all work load required for today but still have about an hour or so before we are allowed to go home at 6 pm.

I feel I shouldn’t be writing this blog post but I have time on my hands…and I feel I need to write this to feel a bit better.

How’s your 2015?

I feel my 2015 came in a whoosh. My family and I experienced some life changes that made half of our 2015 uncertain. To be honest, 2016 kind of scares me. There’s this talk of a probable new job in a new place, moving houses within Dubai, even a possibility of moving out of Dubai, etc. There’s so much uncertainty that sometimes I find myself not being able to sleep at night and it’s not nice. I am naturally a morning person and I am deemed useless past 10 pm. When these kind of nights happen, it really sucks. I’m neither awake nor asleep and I am not awake enough to do anything productive. In short, I am wasting time just staring into the dark, blank space waiting for sleep to come – and it usually comes really late, or really early…in the morning at 3 or 4.

And I have to wake up and work the next day. I have to thrive from 8 am to 6 pm knee deep in paperworks, sometimes slipping in and out of conciousness. I wish for less nights and days like that in 2016.

Health-wise, I’m spiraling down this last quarter of  the year. My back pain that comes and goes (started after I had my cesarian section surgery in 2011) came back in October so I took a break from working out. Even when I felt I was ready to do my workouts again, I missed a workout. And another. And another.

I feel pudgy. I feel terrible. I am not happy with the state of my fitness. And because I’ve gained weight, the back pain is back. It’s an evil cycle.

It’s awful to think that the days – they really go by and don’t care whether you exercise or not. Life goes on. The days go on. And the more the days went on without exercising, the more it sucked.

But they say, if you can’t stop thinking about it, then you have to work for it to achieve it. So, I am back to eating clean again and exercising again starting tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what a cliche right? New year’s resolution to be healthier, lose weight, yada, yada, yada.

But I don’t care. I can’t give this up…because no one can do this for me but me.

I actually found myself standing at the border, one feet on one side – deciding whether to live the rest of my life as a fat person (awaiting diabetes or heart disease) or on the other side – suck it up and aim to be fit again, for myself, for my kids. I will choose the latter.

Enough of the soggy year end sad stories. SORRY.

Then, there were still wonderful things that happened in 2015.

1. I was able to go to the Philippines again in July, to see my home town after seven long years.

It was an epic trip. I didn’t know how much I missed being home until I was there and I didn’t know I’d long to go there again till I boarded the flight back to Dubai. I might have lived in so many places but now I know, I left a big part of my heart in the Philippines. 

I was also able to visit our relatives (father’s side) in Davao. The last time I was saw them was in 1996.

2. I travelled to Europe. TWICE.

First was an impromptu trip to Austria. My ‘just because’ trip, the trip I felt I needed to make to find myself again. Second was in Czech Republic and what made it more awesome was I got free tickets for myself and my daughter through a contest I won.

3. I didn’t fall sick this year.

Maybe because I’ve been strictly following my exercise routines regularly, 5-6 times a week, at least till the last quarter of the year.

4. I kept my job

I’ll be nine years in the same job, same employer in a couple of weeks. 

5. Despite of everything, I am still here.

Yes, I am still here. I’ve laughed more and cried less this year. I looked back into the blog posts I wrote in 2015 and found something I wrote about mindfulness. Why do I keep forgetting that?

Changing year always bring out the blues in me, it’s always prone to heavy drama. It’s crazy to think that the transition from the old year to the new one is only a day apart. I shouldn’t probably have access to a computer during the last days of the year.

What do I wish for in 2016?

I wish for nothing but the basic things – good health for all, stability and a stronger will to be able to do whatever I put my mind into. 

Happy new year, to one and all. May you have a prosperous new year and get whatever your heart desire! Thank you for being part of my 2015!

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