Hello unfazed, beautiful people. How was your week? Mine had been a nightmare.

I had a pregnancy scare.

Just to be clear, it was nothing but a scare. I am not pregnant and hope not to be until my uterus wilts into my old age…which is soon.

For the past years or so, my period came like clockwork. I don’t even notice them or made a big deal about them. They come, they go. And we were careful, though following the natural family planning method. No accidents, no scare. Until recently. My husband brushed off my panic and worries by saying it’s just like one of those few times in the past when my period schedule gets wonky and I end up in the ob clinic prescribed with hormone medicine Primolut and get terrible hormonal side effects which makes me act like a complete mental case.

After 5 days of nervous waiting, I booked a doctor’s appointment at a lady clinic before the weekend last week.

It’s difficult to go on with this post without delving into some gruesome details but I will try my best. These past few days had been some trying times for me. I say for me because the husband didn’t seem to mind – could be pregnant? Ok, then, what’s another more? He even marvelled at what could be a miracle. And started thinking and suggesting baby names! Oh my God. I mean, I should be grateful really. He didn’t see it as a “mistake” but a blessing.

(My sister also offered to keep the baby if I didn’t want it, like it’s only a puppy LOL!)

But what really is “another one more”?

For me, it meant a LOT. It means a different life that I have to live. It meant a few more years down the lane spent in sleepless nights, dirty diapers, leaking boobs and vaccination schedules and bawling over excess baby weight that doesn’t seem to come off etc. I could go on and on and on and ooooon! Never mind I would probably be having a difficult birth again that might end up in c-section when I still haven’t gotten over the fear, pain and trauma of the last one almost four years ago.

I have done my share of those difficult days and nights and at (almost) 39, I shouldn’t be doing those baby stuff any more. I am just slowly reclaiming my life, sleeping for a decent number of hours without someone attached to one part of my body sometimes all through the night, slowly going back to my pre-pregnancy health and composure (I had a complicated and life threatening birth with my last) and enjoying some bits of freedom.

I have done a home pregnancy test and it turned out negative. But still without the period, these are the things that ran through my restless mind:

What if I did the test wrong?

Should I have chosen the more modern and high tech and probably more accurate digital pregnancy test stick that was 3x more expensive? I realized after testing with a non-popular brand that you can’t really buy peace of mind!

What is it is a false negative? I have been Googling too much false negative stories and 10 negative tests and still ended up pregnant horror stories in Yahoo Answers.

There’s no cure and end to the anxiety.

For the record, I certainly didn’t feel pregnant – I’ve had two pregnancies in the past (oh scratch, that and make that three – I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2010 before Benjamin) and this time, I really don’t feel or look pregnant. But what do I know? My mother who birthed six children said not all pregnancies are the same.

Why do I always think of my mother in times like this??

But I’m craving chocolate, Doritos, and carbs like nobody’s business, so everything must be okay, right? But what if I’m getting those cravings because I’m pregnant?

Women – we never win.

I’ve been sober everyday last week and felt selfish crying over a possible pregnancy but in my defense, I think I already deserve a break. A break from the sleepless nights and the heartbreak over leaving the baby at 3 months old to return to work, a break from pumping breast milk in my hiding area in the office to provide supply the high demand of my son. For a while, I feel like a cow and I would cry from desperation if I can’t reach the quota and it may mean my baby will be hungry and then I have to go home and feed him directly.

I exclusively breastfed for more than 2 years each baby. And yes, my boobs are soft and saggy like a deflated balloon now, thankyouverymuch. 

So I got my period and right now, I feel like I’ve been given another lease at life.

For the first time in a week, I was able to sleep properly and peacefully thinking, I will wake up un-pregnant. I can continue with my fitness journey! My boobs won’t be slaves anymore! I can continue with my travel plans! Benjamin won’t be a middle child, yay!

But first, a plan. Because I don’t want to go through this torture again.