(but know now…)

Pregnancy. Child birth. Oh the mystery! But behind that shroud of pregnancy glow and baby coos are secrets women who have been there, done that didn’t tell you!

It’s like a well kept secret – no one bothered to tell me these before and I feel cheated when it was my time one cold winter 8 years ago. After the struggle that is labor, delivery and postpartum blues, I know the story behind: it must be cold revenge. Those who have been through it are not disclosing it and laughing in the dark as they see your sweaty, constipated face during the peak of labor. Or might be even the opposite: love?

After all, what you don’t know won’t hurt you, right? Here goes:

1. During vaginal birth, if your doctor says that your baby’s head is crowning – be ready. It means an entire throne will make its way out of you, not just the crown.

2. If you think delivery is painful (and I hate to break it to ‘ya, it is), don’t make me start talking about labor – that hard work prior to that delivery episode. It deserves to be called “labor”, look up the definition in the dictionary.

3. While on labor, a nurse will come and check, check, check you out. Not with her eyes. With her rubber glove clad hands – between your legs. I will not hide it: it is painful . Yes you are allowed to scream and shout when she does that.

4. The mere presence of her entering the door will make you cry.

5. After delivery when you think you’ve reached Utopia (especially after a long, tedious labor), don’t sing Hallelujah just yet. You’ll be giving birth to something called the placenta. In my case, it hurts much more than delivering the baby because the darn ball of body cells did NOT come out naturally (as it normally does) – the doctor has to rip it off my body!

6. In some hospitals, a nurse will ‘cover’ your b*tt hole with her thumbs or God knows what (I didn’t check or ask) so you won’t have a poo baby when you push (nothing more unsexy than that, hey).  After delivery, your b*tt will hurt when you sit down…and when you think about going to the toilet. Ouch.

7. Your belly will look like a road map. These are called stretch marks and this happens when your skin stretches out too much of its capacity and leaves red/dark purple trails as it breaks. Don’t worry there’s no accompanying sound when it breaks and it doesn’t hurt, just itch.

8. You can only get rid of your fat pants after 6 months (best case scenario) or not ever. But in case you might not ever fit to your pre-pregnancy pants again, don’t cry – probably half of the moms in the world can empathize with you!

9. Don’t get me started on the big momma panties. They’ll be your best friend postpartum. You won’t want to get rid of them.

10. You will be needing maternity clothes when you get out of the hospital because babe, you will *still* look 6 months pregnant (at least) after delivery.

*****

This is my second pregnancy, the things above are all true based on my experience but each pregnancy is different from person to person. No need to be scared. Proceed.

As cliche as this may sound and I risk sounding so corny: It is *still* all worth it.

So how about you? Anything you wish you should have known before having a baby?

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