Festivities over, time for serious business

Another new year has started – I’ve decided that I really, I mean we, really want to have another baby. I don’t want to be wasting years and end up being 50, sitting on the porch and thinking, “I would’ve given my best.”

Secondary infertility is real and it could happen to anyone, even to people who never imagined it could happen to them. Whatever the circumstances surrounding infertility, it hurts. It’s no laughing matter and I wish people who laugh about it would not see the day where they long for a child so much that it hurts because that dream seems too elusive. That they won’t have to go through expensive, invasive test procedures and medication to get near that dream.

And with infertility, getting ‘near’ isn’t an assurance that you will get what you wanted.

I understand though where some ridicule and (insensitive) jokes come from – it’s difficult to understand that it’s more complicated than just “having sex” (or “making love” if you come from conservative roots). I have had people telling me, “So you want another baby, simple, just have sex!”. Yeah, right. Since when did I look dumb?

It’s shocking to know many people slept in their Biology classes.

Yesterday I had Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. What a mouthful but pronouncing the word isn’t as hard as undergoing this fertility test. In an HSG test, a radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity and simultaenous x-rays pictures are taken. It’s a procedure to check if the fallopian tubes are blocked. Blocked tubes = more infertility problems and another round of tests and surgical procedure.

It was a quick one, not more than 15 minutes but oh my God, it was definitely one of the worst and painful experience I had. It’s invasive (catheters inserted and dye pumped to your system) and it was so painful like the shot of mild anesthesia I received earlier didn’t work at all. It was as bad as I imagined it would be that I ended up crying and trembling in the x-ray table during and after.

I wish no one has to undergo such physical and emotional pain. All my harbored resentment spilled out, “why do I have to go through pain like this?” and “is this is my prize for being selfish? (asking for another baby when I already have one)”.  My doctor was shocked how I cried like a baby. What she didn’t know was how I was shocked with myself to be that weak! Ah, way to go to start the new year!

HSG is behind me now – It was costly (at least for me), embarrasing, painful and it’s not even a treatment. Just a test to see if my ‘machineries’ are ok. And thankfully, they are.

I wipe away my tears, paid my bills and let out a big, big sigh of relief.

14 thoughts on “Festivities over, time for serious business

  1. I can only imagine the emotional implications of infertility especially when you are wanting a baby. I don’t believe that wanting a baby, when it’s timely and when you have the means of raising a child and the ability of providing a good home, is selfish.

    I’m so sorry to hear that you have to undergo this invasive test. The test does sound painful – physically and emotionally. I’m so glad to hear though that your ‘machineries’ are ok? Not to no pry, but has M been tested as well?
    .-= Charlotte | Life’s a Charm!´s last blog ..Holiday Break- After Christmas Snow =-.

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    • Yes M has been tested too. His ‘soldiers’ were a bit slow moving (according to doc) last year but with correct diet and more sleep, they seem fine this time around. I’m up for an ovulation shot later this month and a follicular test – not invasive, no going through the insides thankfully.

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      • Thanks, my friend. My determination comes from these reasons: (1) I am not getting younger, will be 35 this year and (2) been trying for about 5 yrs and nothing is happening.

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  2. Grace, I want you to stop it right now! Stop being so hard on yourself! My goodness, you are a warm and gentle person, and what do you want? Another child with the man you love! That is not too much to ask in this world.
    I hope the doctor did not berate you for your tears. Pain is pain, and if we cry is just shows we are human. I wish some of these doctors would have to have these tests before they gave them. I think then, there would be more humanity!
    I wish I were in the UAE right now because I would come right over, sit, drinking warm tea, and giving you gentle hugs!
    Much love.

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  3. Aw Grace, I can’t imagine what you are going through or how you feel right now, but I DO understand painful procedures and tests O.o

    They can be degrading, uncomfortable, painful, humiliating….I can’t begin to tell you the emotions and physical pain I’ve been through with all those darn things!

    But you just have to keep in mind the end result is worth all the pain and humiliation in the world. I’d do anything to get better and be able to live a normal life and I know you’d do anything to have another baby.

    Hopefully, those goals can be accomplished, or at least we can get closer to them this year. This is our year! Positivity brings so many wonderful things, so keep that attitude positive and just take on each day with determination 🙂

    You know you’re always in my thoughts!

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  4. I’m sorry that you have to go through that pain, it hurts me just reading it. I also have friends who are in the same. Will pray with you for another baby, Claim it!
    .-= Edez´s last blog ..2011 =-.

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  5. It’s normal to want a second child, but what i don’t understand is why you put yourself and your family through so much stress? Apart from the fact that in such a situation stress is harmful you run the risk of hurting yourself and others.

    A friend of mine wanted a baby so much that she did all sort of hormonal treatments. In the end she got the baby, but now she’s not in a very good health condition and her husband left her as he could stand the pressure.

    Is it worth it?

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  6. Thank you for the comment and concern. The tests are stressful yes but outside the lab, me and my family are fine.
    As I have mentioned in my blog, I don’t want to grow old regretting and asking myself when it’s too late: “what if I exerted more effort to have that second child?”

    We are trying to know the root of our fertility problem (trying for years and not conceiving) and it’s not bad to want to know the truth.

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  7. You know, I am really sorry to hear what you had to go through. But I do know on thing for sure… you’d do it again an agian if it were necessary for your future baby. All the pain and all the tears will pay off. Am I right?

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  8. Grace, I have been thru that test and agree it was very invasive! Luckily I now have one son thru in vitro and my second son was our frozen embryo. Here’s wishing lots of love and luck. Hang in there – all you can do is try.

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