Another new year has started – I’ve decided that I really, I mean we, really want to have another baby. I don’t want to be wasting years and end up being 50, sitting on the porch and thinking, “I would’ve given my best.”
Secondary infertility is real and it could happen to anyone, even to people who never imagined it could happen to them. Whatever the circumstances surrounding infertility, it hurts. It’s no laughing matter and I wish people who laugh about it would not see the day where they long for a child so much that it hurts because that dream seems too elusive. That they won’t have to go through expensive, invasive test procedures and medication to get near that dream.
And with infertility, getting ‘near’ isn’t an assurance that you will get what you wanted.
I understand though where some ridicule and (insensitive) jokes come from – it’s difficult to understand that it’s more complicated than just “having sex” (or “making love” if you come from conservative roots). I have had people telling me, “So you want another baby, simple, just have sex!”. Yeah, right. Since when did I look dumb?
It’s shocking to know many people slept in their Biology classes.
Yesterday I had Hysterosalpingogram or HSG test. What a mouthful but pronouncing the word isn’t as hard as undergoing this fertility test. In an HSG test, a radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity and simultaenous x-rays pictures are taken. It’s a procedure to check if the fallopian tubes are blocked. Blocked tubes = more infertility problems and another round of tests and surgical procedure.
It was a quick one, not more than 15 minutes but oh my God, it was definitely one of the worst and painful experience I had. It’s invasive (catheters inserted and dye pumped to your system) and it was so painful like the shot of mild anesthesia I received earlier didn’t work at all. It was as bad as I imagined it would be that I ended up crying and trembling in the x-ray table during and after.
I wish no one has to undergo such physical and emotional pain. All my harbored resentment spilled out, “why do I have to go through pain like this?” and “is this is my prize for being selfish? (asking for another baby when I already have one)”. My doctor was shocked how I cried like a baby. What she didn’t know was how I was shocked with myself to be that weak! Ah, way to go to start the new year!
HSG is behind me now – It was costly (at least for me), embarrasing, painful and it’s not even a treatment. Just a test to see if my ‘machineries’ are ok. And thankfully, they are.
I wipe away my tears, paid my bills and let out a big, big sigh of relief.