I had a sudden health emergency a couple of weeks back – nothing major like a surgery of something but not less heartbreaking. Apparently, while we were in the middle of giving up on conceiving, even thinking of IVF back home in Japan, I got *pregnant*.
Woo hoo, right? But hold your horses, woo hoo NOT.
God help me, I’m going to write the details.
So I had my normal period on 4/21 then again on 5/21. Everything was ok, they were normal days in the life of a regular woman like me (only, if you’re a woman like me, you’d have cramps, have to have lots of Ibuprofen and probably go crazy on peanuts on this time of the month, just saying). The only thing not normal about this, for the first time in my life is that, the May period refused to stop. I continued light bleeding/spotting until I gave up and went to the doctor. The first doctor, OB#1 was ruthless, insensitive and uncaring. She didn’t examine me thoroughly and with hands flailing in the air, eyes to the ceiling, she said. “Well, you’re not ovulating properly my dear thus the prolonged bleeding!” , in the tone of that bitchy teacher wearing pink in the Harry Potter movie. She was the same doctor who dropped the bomb on me about secondary infertility diagnosis like saying, that I have a bad cold.
OB#1 gave me meds which I refused to buy because my gut feeling wanted to punch her in the face.
I drove further to another clinic, recommended by other expat women in Dubai and had myself checked again. OB#2 examined me thoroughly: thyroid, prolactin, pap smear(!). Everything came out normal.
Lastly, she wanted to do a Beta HCG test just to rule out pregnancy. A beta HCG test is a blood test to check if the pregnancy hormone hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is present. I let out a big laugh saying that it really wasn’t necessary (honestly, I didn’t want to do it because it’s not cheap) because I just recently had my period and it wasn’t like we were trying that hard, particularly this month…but she insisted so I let the nurse prick me. Ouch.
Later in the evening, she called me to say I tested positive. Beta HCG level was 43 last 6/2. (non-pregnant women would have an HCG of less than 2)
HCG levels in normal pregnancies tend to double every 48-72 hours so I went back to the clinic 3 days later as per her instruction to have another HCG test to see if the numbers are rising or falling. Rising number means the pregnancy is progressing and falling numbers would mean the opposite.
I had 37 on 6/5 and I’m still spotting, with very mild cramps.
Someone told me, when you want babies that much, they tend to escape you or give you a hard time – thus the agony that I’m having. Honestly? I can’t pretend I don’t want anymore because I do and don’t you think it’s a bit of unfair to say that all this longing in my heart is causing all the problems? I refuse to believe.
With the falling HCG level these things were circling my mind and preventing me from sleeping fitfully at night: miscarriage, blighted ovum (where only the sac is formed so the body “thinks” it’s pregnant, so the positive pregnancy test), ectopic pregnancy (God, no!), chromosomal abnormalities, etc, etc.
It’s worse than seeing live zoombies in your dark bedroom.
After 5 days of still spotting, I had blood work done again. The doctor said it should be nearing ZERO now because all the spotting meant I miscarried. On 6/10 I got an HCG level of 136. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s going on with my body. I used to just google things, research here and there and 90% of the time, I know. But this? it’s the opposite. It’s the 90% that I do NOT know.
What doesn’t help in this mystery puzzle is that, that day when my HCG level rose, spotting abruptly, completely stopped, simultaeneously followed by usual pregnancy symptoms like nausea and painful boobs. Yuck.
This has been long so I’ll write the other installments in the next post. I don’t know the end of this. Usually, I can predict what’s going to happen next but this time, I’m facing a blank wall. All I want is to stay afloat in the sea of confusion and mystery, to finally clap my hands and shed tears of joy that I’m finally having another baby.
Rising then falling then rising again? What a rollercoaster ((hug)).
I’ll be sending bucketloads of good thoughts your way.
.-= Robin´s last blog ..Too tired to blog =-.
How confusing! Praying for a good outcome for you!
.-= Cindy´s last blog ..Are Abby Sunderland?s Parents Negligent? =-.
Well, with PCO, spotting “for weeks” is completely NORMAL for me!
But since it is new to you let’s wait for a positive outcome, please take care and don’t stress yourself mentally or physically.
I’m so sorry Grace. I know the disappointment, the pain and the sadness you are feeling. I will say a prayer for you and your husband today and over the weeks to come.
.-= Maribeth´s last blog ..Hitting The Wall =-.
Oh Grace I am so sorry you are on this roller coaster of emotions. Two of my friends had similar things happen, but at least their doctors were kind and helpful. Sending you lots of hugs. Know that there are people thinking about you and hoping you will great wonderful news one day soon.
.-= TheAngelForever´s last blog ..Family wedding fun =-.
Man, so rough! I wish you could just not think about it for like 2 months and then you would know if you really were pregnant or not. 😦 Waiting sucks. Love ya!
Oh, and those painted fishes… weird!
Oh Grace, I know how much you want another baby so I’m going to wish really, really, REALLY hard that you have a little (healthy) bun in the oven!!
I’ll wish for it so hard, if I don’t get a headache from all that wishing I’m not wishing hard enough! Lol
In the mean time, take care of yourself-This is scary business so just take it easy and follow your intuition.
.-= Kayla´s last blog ..Letters to Juliet *Movie Review* =-.
Grace, I so hope and pray for you and your family! I hope everything will turn out good in the end, sorry you have to go through this roller coaster of emotions!!
Whew! I’m not sure if I’m going to say this right but I’m kind of a light at the end of the tunnel kind of person even when things kind of suck. If it should turn out you have miscarried it still kind of good news in a big picture kind of way… I say this because you were on the verge of giving up trying. Maybe this is a sign not to give up trying. At least not yet. But obviously I hope for a better less stressful situation for you.
.-= Moe´s last blog ..Black and White =-.
crossing fingers for you Grace, easier said than done, but try not to stress out to much. Hugs to ya.
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just take care sa health nimo and hope and pray na positive na gyud unta…boy na unta…
if i were a true genie, my wish for you is for your wish to come true. may the baby you so desire be granted to you. you are one of those woman who I think can handle more children and still be a cool, nurturing mom.
I have a strong feeling another beautiful creature will call you mom once more aside from you beautiful P. 🙂
.-= Gin´s last blog ..Finances, eh? =-.