I had a sudden health emergency a couple of weeks back – nothing major like a surgery of something but not less heartbreaking. Apparently, while we were in the middle of giving up on conceiving, even thinking of IVF back home in Japan, I got *pregnant*.

Woo hoo, right? But hold your horses, woo hoo NOT.

God help me, I’m going to write the details.

So I had my normal period on 4/21 then again on 5/21. Everything was ok, they were normal days in the life of a regular woman like me (only, if you’re a woman like me, you’d have cramps, have to have lots of Ibuprofen and probably go crazy on peanuts on this time of the month, just saying). The only thing not normal about this, for the first time in my life is that, the May period refused to stop. I continued light bleeding/spotting until I gave up and went to the doctor. The first doctor, OB#1 was ruthless, insensitive and uncaring. She didn’t examine me thoroughly and with hands flailing in the air, eyes to the ceiling, she said. “Well, you’re not ovulating properly my dear thus the prolonged bleeding!” , in the tone of that bitchy teacher wearing pink in the Harry Potter movie. She was the same doctor who dropped the bomb on me about secondary infertility diagnosis like saying, that I have a bad cold.

OB#1 gave me meds which I refused to buy because my gut feeling wanted to punch her in the face.

I drove further to another clinic, recommended by other expat women in Dubai and had myself checked again. OB#2 examined me thoroughly: thyroid, prolactin, pap smear(!). Everything came out normal.

Lastly, she wanted to do a Beta HCG test just to rule out pregnancy. A beta HCG test is a blood test to check if the pregnancy hormone hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is present. I let out a big laugh saying that it really wasn’t necessary (honestly, I didn’t want to do it because it’s not cheap) because I just recently had my period and it wasn’t like we were trying that hard, particularly this month…but she insisted so I let the nurse prick me. Ouch.

Later in the evening, she called me to say I tested positive. Beta HCG level was 43 last 6/2. (non-pregnant women would have an HCG of less than 2)

HCG levels in normal pregnancies tend to double every 48-72 hours so I went back to the clinic 3 days later as per her instruction to have another HCG test to see if the numbers are rising or falling. Rising number means the pregnancy is progressing and falling numbers would mean the opposite.

I had 37 on 6/5 and I’m still spotting, with very mild cramps.

Someone told me, when you want babies that much, they tend to escape you or give you a hard time – thus the agony that I’m having. Honestly? I can’t pretend I don’t want anymore because I do and don’t you think it’s a bit of unfair to say that all this longing in my heart is causing all the problems? I refuse to believe.

With the falling HCG level these things were circling my mind and preventing me from sleeping fitfully at night: miscarriage, blighted ovum (where only the sac is formed so the body “thinks” it’s pregnant, so the positive pregnancy test), ectopic pregnancy (God, no!), chromosomal abnormalities, etc, etc.

It’s worse than seeing live zoombies in your dark bedroom.

After 5 days of still spotting, I had blood work done again. The doctor said it should be nearing ZERO now because all the spotting meant I miscarried. On 6/10 I got an HCG level of 136. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what’s going on with my body. I used to just google things, research here and there and 90% of the time, I know. But this? it’s the opposite. It’s the 90% that I do NOT know.

What doesn’t help in this mystery puzzle is that, that day when my HCG level rose, spotting abruptly, completely stopped, simultaeneously followed by usual pregnancy symptoms like nausea and painful boobs. Yuck.

This has been long so I’ll write the other installments in the next post. I don’t know the end of this. Usually, I can predict what’s going to happen next but this time, I’m facing a blank wall. All I want is to stay afloat in the sea of confusion and mystery, to finally clap my hands and shed tears of joy that I’m finally having another baby.