It’s not them, it’s me

heart thorns

Photo taken from Google images. For illustration purposes only.

Breathe.

Wipe away the tears. Sit straight. Breathe deeply one more time.

Now, write.

I’ve promised I’ll put it behind me. No more heavy drama on every good news I hear. Damn, these people need to be congratulated, not cried upon! I am sure I am happy for each and every one of them, especially the ones who told me of their good news first among anyone else. I’m touched and honored.

But when the dust of excitement settles and the chats finish, I cry. Is this even normal behavior? I don’t know. I don’t want to know. 

My sweet sister in-law is pregnant. She’s reading this so hey, don’t get me wrong I am so happy for you. I’m so so happy for my brother who said he’s really desperate to spread his wonderful DNA. Heh. They’ll be having a beautiful baby (they’re both good looking and I’m not saying this because the father to be is my brother), I can tell. What I’m not happy about is how I feel about myself. Must be part of PCOS thing, oh yeah, depression is one of the ugly monsters that come out of it, the Mayo Clinic says so this must just be one of the episodes.

Lately I have began to think that I have sixth sense – I don’t see dead people but preggies. They are EVERYWHERE – friends I regularly see and those online. Even the stray cats in the building basement are pregnant. Lotsa them. 

I feel sorry for myself every single time I see them (the women, not the cats). And I hate that. I don’t hate them, but I hate myself and the unnecessary fucking tears. I even cried when I saw a mom in the train with a girl who’s Pristine’s age and a boy about 3 years old. What’s up with that!

So much with saying I have moved on. Who am I kidding.

17 thoughts on “It’s not them, it’s me

  1. Oh sweetie, of course it’s normal, and very understandable. When I was having trouble getting pregnant with Itai I found that having a group of women going through the same things to share it with was incredibly helpful. You might look for a message board or forum that feels like a good fit, there’s strength in numbers.

    Hang in there Grace, sometimes no matter how happy you are for someone else, and I know that you truly are, it really does suck all the same.
    .-= Robin´s last blog ..Real life is interfering with my blogging =-.

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  2. Oh, Grace! I feel for you, and am so sorry.
    But, this is VERY normal and be sure it WILL go away after sometime., It’s my personal experience.
    And why on earth do you think that you can not have a baby?
    I don’t think any doctor told you that, so please don’t let these negative thoughts overpower.
    Be patient and ASK god to bless you with a Cute little baby, Just like your lovely daughter does!
    Put your trust in God, He only is the creator of everything!

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  3. it’s very understandable. so very much.

    i don’t admit this much, but i’m chronically ill, and sometimes i get sad about others being healthy and active when i’m so limited. i don’t want to get resentful or bitter, but it’s human to feel sad sometimes about something you so dearly want that you see all around you.

    i’m so sorry you have to experience this.
    .-= JuliaA´s last blog ..an olivey collection =-.

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  4. Don’t feel bad about feeling this way at all. It’s completely normal. I felt the same after my miscarriage and when we struggled to get pregnant again. It’s very tough. You want to be happy for everyone else and there’s part of you that is. You’ll get there, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and take it step by step. I’m thinking of you and wishing you lots of luck.
    .-= Tired Mom Tesa´s last blog ..Red Velvet Cupcakes and Conversation Heart Brownies =-.

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  5. Happy for your bro and sis-in-law … i’m sure your are genuinely happy for them too. i’m sure it’s going to be a beautiful baby, afterall, it’s partly your DNA as well.
    But everybody understands your sadness. Have P hug you so tight you’ll forget your troubles …
    .-= Charlotte (Life’s a Charm!)´s last blog ..Potty Talk =-.

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  6. I’m just a lurker who had to pop over to say *hugs*. We’re currently TTC our first, and I know what you mean by the random tears and the pangs when you see a pregnant animal. Best of luck to you, and I’m praying for you.

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  7. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug because I have been where you are. And it sucks. Don’t ever, ever give up hope. Accept everything as it is, and most of all, be happy.

    Babies come into our lives at just the right time…sometimes we have to wait a little longer than we ever wanted too.

    If you’d like to talk, feel free to email me.

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  8. Aw Grace, I’m so sorry your feeling these emotions-Personally, I believe this is normal. Your not going to move on from your condition overnight!! It’s going to take time, just like any other bad thing that happens in life. Time is the healer and in the mean time whether you believe it or not, these feelings are good. It’s GOOD to cry and be angry because if you hold it in, it hurts you further physically, mentally and emotionally.
    Love and energies for you dear Grace!

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  9. Big hugs from you from miles and miles away! 🙂
    Sometimes when we push the sadness away and stop focusing on what we don’t have…and embrace the joy that others are having…the universe has a way of fulfilling our own dreams.

    May sound crazy but it’s true. Positive attracts positive. Negative/negative. Sadness makes you dwell on more sadness and prohibits that positive from coming in.

    Go make some pancakes and be happy. 🙂
    I bet when you give up on the sadness and focus on something else…..what should happen will. And maybe that’s what you want to happen right now. And maybe by then it’ll be something completely different. Time will tell. 🙂
    .-= sheila´s last blog ..Pup-cicles =-.

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  10. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling! You are happy for your brother and SIL and I am sure they know that, but you are also sad for yourself because you want your own little one – and that is completely normal. I believe you are taking medication also that is playing havoc on your hormones, correct? So cut yourself some slack and be good to yourself and your beautiful Pristine. Go in the bathroom, sob it out, wash your face and come out smiling!
    Big hugs and prayers coming from me to you!
    .-= Lorie Shewbridge´s last blog ..Disney Social Media Moms Conference – Recap Day 1 =-.

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