by findingbackroads

Diagnosis: Secondary Infertility

foggy morning

Photo taken from here, for illustration purposes only.

I cry everytime I look at the prescription sheet the ob-gyne gave me. “Infertility” – the word sounds so remote, so alien, unbelievable, not applicable for me. Don’t I have a record of being able to procreate? I am sure the pregnancy and the labor 6 years ago wasn’t an episode of hallucination. I have proof!!

I know it’s common but it never crossed my mind that it would be in my own medical record. I’m a net addict (as if that’s not so obvious) and so far, I’ve read about infertility and it only existed in Mayo Clinic site or in other personal blogs. No, not me. Why now?

Being a mom was a thought I’ve had with me all the time. I love babies and children and wouldn’t mind a 40-hour labor and would go through another natural child birth again for them.

Don’t panic. We can treat this.

The doctor assured me seeing I looked pale sinking on the chair after an internal exam. I hate internal exams by the way, they make me nervous and embarassed. I kept on staring at her notes that read “infertility”. It was the only thing I see and my whole being refused to accept it. This was the reason why I postponed having checked by an ob-gyne. I was afraid of the truth, afraid of what I’d do when a bomb is dropped.

And now the person in front of me dropped the bomb without caution, so simply and plainly, like announcing, “Sorry dear, you’ve got fever.”

I’ll have to undergo further tests like blood test for thyroid and insulin resistance. The doctor suspects PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) in my right ovary. But the doctor want to be sure because I don’t have most of the symptoms of having PCOS – except for maybe, difficulty in losing weight.

PCOS is the number one cause of infertility in women.

I couldn’t think straight the whole day. All I want is to curl up in the dark and cry. Weepy days really suck. I called a friend, fought with all my might not to cry (don’t want to startle the people in the office). Instead of sulking around further, I wiped off my tears (I did cry a bit) and told myself I should be alright.

I’m ok now because I should be.

27 Comments

  1. WHO said that you MUST be ok? Seriously, it’s hectic getting news like that. I am so sorry, I hope the doctors can help.

    I have gone through the whole IVF / Infertility thing – for different reasons and under different circumstances – and even that was hard.

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  2. i think we are in the same boat then!
    Both my ovaries are polycystic and i’ve been married for 7 years with no children, waiting till Allaah bless us, whenever it is best for us.
    I had a friend at campus who also had the same problem and the doctors said they had to do a drilling to get rid of it, so they thought to do it soon after getting married, and do you know what happened after that? she got conceived on the very first month after getting married!
    So please don’t worry about this, because PCOS worsens with stress.
    if god wills to bless you with a kid, nothing’s gonna stop that!
    that’s what i tell my self all the time, even though i was a bit hurt in the beginning now i am used to it and feel that everything happens for our own good and makes us closer to our creator, reminding us that he is the controller of all our affairs.

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  10. I’m so sorry grace. My heart truly aches for you because as woman, we are designed for babies and to want babies-I can’t even imagine what your going through right now.
    This is the time to be thankful that you have Pristine(although I know you are thankful for her all the time!).
    Personally, I don’t trust doctors in the last-I think if you keep positive about this whole situation and keep trying with that positive attitude, I believe you will be blessed with another miracle 🙂
    Your body can do amazing things, it just needs time to figure out what’s wrong within and fix it!
    Thoughts and energies are with you.
    .-= Kayla´s last blog ..It’s been a long time… =-.

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  11. I guess it makes a big difference to know this now that you have Pristine. It’s a sad news just the same and I really don’t have that much idea how painful it is.

    I’d say though you’re blessed still to have at least one, whatever happens, especially because that one child is very very smart, talented and so prim and proper.

    Continue to hope and pray.
    .-= rose´s last blog ..i love the sound of? =-.

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  12. There is always hope….. Just look at it in a positive way, you have the most precious daughter already, so things are gonna be okay.

    Grace, maybe instead of thinking about it, go out and celebrate Pristine.

    You’re gonna be fine my friend….

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  13. Well for goodness sake, of course you feel sad and if you want and need a good cry then do it! Afterward, sit yourself down and then follow all the doctor’s directions (even fertility treatments) and try for that next baby.
    If it doesn’t happen, well, then, thank goodness for Pristine!
    I did not have this problem, but I was unable to have a baby with Hubby after Katie passed. It hurt like hell and I cried a lot. I wanted that baby so bad.
    I’m sending you giant hugs and doing a fertility dance for you.
    Most of all. Let yourself feel.
    .-= Maribeth´s last blog ..My Eyes =-.

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  14. ate G, hug kita. but you know, don’t be too stressed about it ( hehe as if ako hindi e no) but i have a friend who has this and after 3 years married she conceived despite the condition and now has this healthy baby boy =)
    i hope you’d cheer up soon 😉

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    1. I hope I cheer up soon too. 🙂

      I’ve made a decision na cille. I’m taking Clomid (as per doctor’s instruction) for two cycles…and if our “efforts” are still futile, I might give up and just thank God for giving me one. I hope you get your one soon.

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    1. Pristine is my little miracle. The ob-gyn told me with the dates I am showing to her (previous dates of menstrual periods) she said I might be ovulating in a very few instances…she even asked “are you sure you conceived without medical intervention?” LOL

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  18. Hugs to you. I know things will work out for you and that you can get things worked out in your health too. Praying for you also..

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  19. I’m sorry to hear about this bad news Grace :(. I hope you’re doing okay now. Just be thankful that you were blessed enough to have such a beautiful and smart daughter. But don’t lose hope… with modern medicine, anything is possible. Just have faith, and believe that God always has a reason for giving us these trials… We don’t know it yet, but maybe He is just saying in his own way that NOW is not yet the time to have another baby. Take care!

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  21. Hello grace,

    Cry if you want, it lessens the burden if you do… Tears help us go through things like this. I hope you will be alright. Tapos highly treatable man na nga condition- and daghan pa kaayo ka chances kay bata (ahem) pa man ta! hehe

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  23. Grace,
    My heart goes out to you… there is no reason you should hide your feelings, though I understand why you think you should at work. It is hard to explain to people, they just don’t understand.
    Know that you have lots of friends who love you and are pulling for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. {{{Hugs}}}
    Lorie

    .-= Lorie Shewbridge´s last blog ..12 by 12 Reading Challenge: February =-.

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