I’m not the captain of my ship

baby-mom-handI should be in the hospital right about now, wearing fluffy rabbit slippers, flannel pajamas and a really big bra.

But I am not.

I am not in a place with boring white walls and smelling of ammonia and there’s no IV drip on my wrist. I should be swinging back and forth the corridor every 2-3 hours to feed a tiny human being, shuffling from my hospital bed to the nursery, just like 6 years ago or pumping my breasts like I’m milking a cow.

Instead I am here in my work desk, writing this post. I wish I was at home, folding pink flannels.

When we decided to give a  go at another pregnancy I was ready and thought I’ll be pregnant before the dawn breaks but I am not. It pains me that I am not. I’ve done this the first time – it was easy as a click of the mouse and I know the ropes. I am ready to do it again.

Who knew baby making getting pregnant is rocket science?

34 thoughts on “I’m not the captain of my ship

  1. Well, the rocket DOES have to be pointed in the exact location and the conditions must be perfect so … yea, I guess sometimes it is rocket science.

    I sure wish you were hospitalized. In a good way.


  2. Don’t give up the ship yet. Go in and see your gynecologist. Make sure that all is well. When I got pregnant with Amanda, after several years of infertility, they ended up doing a D&C to clear things out. Bam! 6 weeks later I was pregnant! Then came Katie, no problem.
    But by the time I married Hubby it was not meant to be. (Terrible Endometriosis!)


    • Haven’t tried the ovulation kit (expensive, right!?) but I am charting my basal body temp. Yes, we do take the time to do the chore. Still nothing.


  3. I totally feel for you! I lost 2 babies and then couldn’t get pregnant for 2 years after that. Then when I stopped trying, BAM here came Ella. So try not to stress about it, even though that is easier said than done! My fingers are crossed for you!


    • Thank you, Michelle. Life is so full of surprises! I am glad to know you finally had your precious Ella after those years of frustration and trying.


  4. Aw, I’m so sorry your having a rough time of things! It’s just not meant to be at this point in time I suppose.
    Just keep at it and I bet you will have a little bundle of joy in no time 😀
    Have you tried some alternative therapy techniques? I know some herbs are good for concieving and I’ve also heard that positive feedback and visualization are powerful things as well.
    I’ll keep searching for some other things you could try!


    • Trying since November 2008. I haven’t been to any doctor yet. If I am not yet preggers until the end of this year, I’ll go.
      Meanwhile, I’ll follow your advise..and sing ala-Dory of Nemo..just keep trying, just keep trying..keep trying, trying, trying…


  5. Same advice as a few others….no words, just support. I do empathize with you. I have pregnant belly envy. I wonder why it is SO easy for others, then I realize there are others out there who are experiencing the same ‘sucky’ feeling that I am feeling.



    • It was so easy for my mother, six times over! Oh seven since she miscarried one baby…
      Today, I am just thankful that I have one…I guess better than having nothing at all. Thank you for your kind words.


    • Thank you for your kind words, Paula…at this point in time, I thought I should just be thankful that I have one. Better than no baby at all.


  6. Oh, Grace, sorry for your disappointment. I have a friend who has secondary infertility (they have one son, but can’t seem to have more). I know your pain (albeit vicariously). Keep trying, I’ll pray for you!


    • The mention of the word “infertility” sends shivers through my spine. I have not taken any birth control medication, ever so I hope nothing medically-speaking is affecting my system down there…


  7. If I have learned anything with trying to conceive, you never know what can happen. I also have endometriosis and like you was extremely blessed the first time around. Sending lots of hugs your way and hope that you have good news soon.


  8. Hang in there! Once you have done all you can health-wise and are sure everything is in order that way, TRY to relax! Everyone I know that’s had trouble has said that when they quit trying so hard, ooops! A + pregnacy test! Good luck!


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